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Army husband is on 2nd extended tour & has now decided he wants a divorce.?

This is a 2 part question: I need advice from other military wives that might be going through the same thing and also advice in regards to the military pay he's receiving and making sure that we, as his family, are taken care of. Please understand that I DO NOT want this divorce and have pleaded and begged to try to work on our marriage. This is NOT just about the money. How many other Army wives are finding that the men they married are not the same men anymore? My husband was in the IRR and was stop lossed in 2006. (he should have been able to resign his commission in Sept and was stop lossed in Aug and given orders in Dec for a 545 tour) He was home for approximately 7 months before he received another set of orders for a 400 day tour. He is currently in the middle of that tour. I did not know him in college and can only go by what friends and family say regarding the change in him when he came home from active duty the very first time. But what I can attest to is the severe change when he came home last year from the 545 day tour. The obsession with being on the computer, the mood swings, the anger, the nightmares, the anti social behavior. Because he's a cop, he refused to seek professional help for fear of putting his job in jeopardy. He slowly pulled away from all friends and family. This last April I even found out that he had an "emotional" affair with a woman for months last year. I have spoken to her and it appears she knew very little about his REAL life. She knew only what he told her. From what she says of their relationship, it appears that he often called her to "vent". They have since ceased all communications as of this past March and so I do not believe that she is a factor in his wanting a divorce. I do not think he will contact her again for the simple fact that when I called her, he knew that whatever lies he told her would be revealed to her. I have since also learned that he belongs to multiple motorcycle forums (which I remember he was always on on the computer last year when he returned home) in which he has fabricated these fantastical lives that he supposedly leads. (this is similar to the stories the other woman said that he told her) He even has multiple screen identities that even talk to each other. This computer behavior is continuing to this day. I know because I secretly monitor them and what he posts. Even overseas, he is constantly on these forums, even several times a day. (just for reference, he calls or IM's our son for approximately 15 minutes every 3 - 4 days because he is "so busy") I am not sure if this need to "escape" from their real lives is what causes this and am curious to see if other military wives are experiencing this as well. It's almost as if he doesn't want any responsibilities. Last we spoke, when I told him that one of our dogs had a bladder infection and that I had to take her to the vet, his response was .. "don't you think it's time to just put her down?" This came from a man whose dogs were a huge part of his life. I am at a complete loss as to how to reach him and help him. I love him and hate that he shuts me out. Even his closest friends look to me to find out how he is doing because he cut them out long ago. I am not a regular Army wife. When I met my husband, he was no longer active and in fact applying to local law enforcement agencies. So I mostly thought of myself as a cop's wife prior to his first tour, which was 4 years after we were married. I do not, nor have I ever lived on post. The nearest Army base is hundreds of miles away from us in fact. And so I've muddled my way through. During his first tour, I worked full time. Last Dec I was laid off. This was about the same time that he received his 2nd set of orders. I made the decision to move back in with my parents who live about 20 miles away. My husband was not happy with this decision. We rented out our house and currently the money we collect from the renters covers approximately 1/2 the cost associated with our home. (We still have the remainder of our mortgage, the HOA fees, homeowners insurance etc) I have since found part time work, working while our son is in school so that we do not have to pay for child care, to help subsidize living expenses. My husband has always handled the finances. I've never even seen a paystub from him. He does cover the remainder of the costs associated with the house which probably total about $2100. However, he says that he can only afford to send me $500 a month for our son and our mastiffs (his mastiffs really as he has told me that he plans to take them from me upon his return). This just doesn't jive with me - the numbers do not add up. Just for reference, in the California online child support calculator, based upon what I've been able to find online on what I THINK his pay may be, he would be required to pay between $1100 - $1400 a month in child support. He is an O-3 and per our housing allowance, the closest city to us would be Oa

Public Comments

1. this is too long... nobody will read it !
2. hey relax on the details make it easier for people to answer instead of giving them a headache after they read it!!
3. I didnt read all of it but my husband is in the national guard got deployed to iraq and its been HELL ever since.Whenever he would call we argued all the time and he got back in Feb and its been nothing but name calling and abuse. The sad thing is that we do have a 14 month old baby. The military really messed my life up!!!!!!!
4. 1. In most cases your husband will be required to allow you access to his back accounts by the military (that's not a state law). You need to speak with his command regarding that. 2. BAH is not considered income but "housing allowance" - your child support will be based off of his earning on his w-2, meaning no BAH and no tax-free money he earns while on dets will be included. 3. You must speak with a lawyer since you guys own property. It will likely need to be sold as you cannot afford it and I doubt he'll want to. The mortgage on that place sounds ridiculous. Army wife, cop's wife....it doesn't matter. You need to be an individual, not a "wifey" label.