List Only - please read the beginning of my story and tell me what you think?

please read the beginning of my story and tell me what you think?

As I pedaled my bike down the ritzy sidewalks of the subdivision, I gawked at mansions with immaculate lawns that screamed, “No kids here!” To ensure privacy, tall picket fences loomed in their backyards. Teens my age stared at me on my bike as they went by, being chauffeured in their Porsches. Finally, I found the house that I had been searching for all along: 503 Lilydale Lane. Yellow siding, white shutters, and a winding driveway completed the mansion’s exterior, while pine trees and a typical picket fence stood in the background. The whole scene was intimidating, even though this house was one of the more subtle ones. No toys on the front lawn or in the driveway gave any sign of children. And the only playground equipment that I saw was a porch swing swaying on the farmhouse style porch. Chairs with cushions that were too pretty to sit on occupied the front of the porch. This does not seem like a child’s house, I thought. Maybe I should go next door and ask if this house has any kids living here. So to save myself from the possible embarrassment of going to the wrong house for a baby-sitting job, I walked over to the neighbor’s house that was fancier than the first, and knocked on their door. “Hellooo!” the woman called as she opened her door. I gagged when I saw the sight of her. Dressed in pure Armani, she had a face that was obviously the result of too many Botox treatments. “Yeah, um, I was wondering if there are any kids living next door to you,” I asked, pointing to 503. “Why? I don’t like to give out my neighbor’s personal information,” the stranger declared, looking disdainfully at my JC Penney’s jeans. “Um, I was hired to baby-sit there, and I was just making sure I have the right address. It doesn’t really look like any kids live there.” The woman frowned at me, deciding whether or not to believe me. Sighing, she told me that indeed, yes, a little girl lives there. Glad to get our encounter over with, I mumbled thanks and quickly scooted back over to the right house, now five minutes late for my job. The gold doorknocker loudly banged against the door as I let it drop. Ten seconds passed, and no one came. Sighing, I knocked again, this time more forcefully. Oh…my...gosh, I thought. I better have not humiliated myself in this uptight neighborhood just to find out that no one is home. Well, anyways, third time’s the charm. I backed up, grabbed the doorknocker, and let it really fly into the door. Thank God, I thought, as a pretty, redheaded teen a few years older than me opened the door, cracking her gum. “You were supposed to be here, like, seven minutes ago,” she whined, checking her cell phone for the time. “I have a date that I’m supposed to be on right now, thanks to you.” “Yeah, sorry about this, I wasn’t sure that…um, never mind,” I apologized. “But I’m here now, so if you give me the instructions, you can leave.” “’Kay, come on in, then.” In a very quick five minutes, I learned that she was Trissie, Trixie’s older sister, whom I was about to baby-sit. I also learned that further instructions were on the counter and Trixie was in her playroom. Then it was just Trixie and I, although I had no idea who Trixie was, or where the playroom was. Starting down a long hallway , I peeked into rooms to check for Trixie. Turning out, it was the last one of the hallway that was the little princess’s playroom. As I entered the enormous room, I gaped at a plasma TV, a Wii, two computers, dollhouses, life-size dolls, Barbies, stuffed animals, and a Little Tikes play table. Sitting in the middle of it all, was little Trixie. Dressed better than me, the four-year old girl in a puffy pink stared at me. In a pink dress, brown leggings, and matching pink ballet flats, Trixie was dressed better than me. here's more: I rolled my eyes at the fact that I knew I was going to have trouble with this spoiled little girl. Then, gathering my nerve, I decided that Trixie couldn’t intimidate me. “Hey, I’m Caroline, and I’m gonna be your baby-sitter. You’re Trixie, right?” Apparently Trixie didn’t care who I was, for she kept on playing with her Barbies. Trying to interact with her, I picked up one of her discarded Barbies and started to dress her up in a blue chiffon dress. “You’re not allowed to play with that,” Trixie told me flatly. Sighing, I carefully set the Barbie down and told the little girl that I would start dinner since it was already 5:30 pm. According to Trissie’s instructions, I was supposed to heat up some Kraft macaroni and cheese (Blue’s Clue’s style) and give it to Trixie at promptly 5:45 pm. But just finding the kitchen took five minutes alone since I couldn’t disturb the little diva with directions.

Public Comments

boring >< sorruy
Wow thats really good (:
to long can't read all of it
lol i love it!!! ^_^ i love how you made her feel all humileated and stuff that is really cool and original awesome!! =D
sounds good i like
Too long. Didn't read. Sorry.
Its the beginning of a story, thats for sure.......
I think this is amazing!! :)
Good for really young crowd...
cool! but if it's a short story and that's just the beggining, it needs to be shorter
I really like it! I wanna hear more! :)
i liked it, your description was great : ) in the last paragraph you should look at read it out loud and you'll see what i mean
Needs some editing, definitely needs some better words, better details. Otherwise, the idea is good.
Very nice indeed. I would definitely want to continue reading this book. What is the subject of this story??? You share a passion for writing like me!
Yeah not too bad! :-)
OMG. I love it. It is really interesting. I think kids 10-16 would like it. I wish I could write like that. Have you finished the story? Maybe you could get it published. You have a writing talent.
wow thats really good , i love allt he adjectives and how descriptive the language is , it really caught my attention , i couldnt stop reading ! I think it would make an awesome book , great job , keep writing :]
I like it, you're good with descriptions. You make my stuff look like crap...which it probably already was, anyways. "Turning out, it was the last one of the hallway that was the little princess’s playroom." I found this sentence a bit confusing, consider rewording it.
I like it! I want to finish it lol! I wish you had written the entire thing. :( But anyway soo where are you going with the story ? and can you tell me if you will ever publish it ? Because I will certainly buy it :) . I really like it and you have outstanding vocabulary.
that was really good!! is that the ending or is ther more?
at the beginning it was very detailed,i like that,but it drags out.in order to grab a readers interest,it needs to keep on moving,but still,don't lay out the whole idea of the story at the beggining.also,as you go on you try less and less,it is pretty good writing,towards the end u notice the paragraphs get shorter.u need to give it all youve got throughout the whole story.im not a proffesional critic,and youre story was pretty good,but i hope these tips help u improve in future writing assessments or progects(so on)
I didn't read all of it, but it sounds good. I'm kind of wondering if you REALLY wrote that, it sounds like the books in the stores, good job. :P
It's good. I can't wait to see how it turns out. I am in the process of writing my second novel. From experience I must caution you not to put too much of your story out there on the internet. You never know who will get a hold of it. This could be the beginning of a good book. I would change 'Turning out, it was the last one of the hallway that was the little princess’s playroom' to 'I found the little princess' playroom in a room at the end of the hall.' You also have 'dressed better than me' twice at the end. Repitition sounds weird so I would take one of them out.
Among other things that I would rather talk about, instead of state here, I'll tell you one thing....Change Trissie and Trixie's names. I mean, you don't have to, it's your story...But names are VERY important and those names don't leave an impression. Like, for example, the book 'Twilight.' Can you imagine if Edward's name had been Billy-Joe Michaels? NOT very romantic. Names are very important and I think your story could really use some better ones. Good luck and keep writing! It's a terrific gift that I myself have a little of. I really just wanted to give you advice. Instead of, like everyone eles, saying what I thought of it. Every good writer needs a little feedback, so here is mine. Good luck and don't stop writing!
i like it! It is good. I wish I could write like that! You should finish it because so far it is a good story.