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How Do I Stop Feeling This Way?

Okay, so when I was 18, I got married to this boy (Sam) I'd known from school. We went to secondary school together, and we dated when we were younger. He cheated on me, and I was pretty hurt, but I didn't dump him. As a result, we broke up more than 8 times, and then I officially ended it. That was in year 7, and then in year 8 we became actual best friends. I could tell him anything and he could tell me anything. I was best friend's at the time with this girl (Megan) and we looked close, but really she was making me miserable and I even tried committing suicide 3 times. She was really nasty, and I couldn't stop myself. Sam knew a lot about it, but not the suicide bit. He knew I hated her, and he hated her to because she'd torment him because of his finger (because he trapped in a door and it got chopped off by the blade and then had to have it sown on again). She was really cruel to him, and he was one of the 'bad boys'. Then I left school and she made Sam hate me. But then when I was 18, and had a career as an actress and singer, I had to go sing at the army. When I was there, I saw Sam in the soldiers, and we reunited again. We then started dating, although it was hard because he was in the army. Anyway, then he got shot. I went to the hospital and he recovered and then he proposed. We got married, and we were really happy together. Then one day after I came back from a dinner with some producers, I walked in on Sam and Megan (who'd become my best friend again) having sex. I always knew deep down he would cheat, but I guess I was blinded by love. Before he cheated, I became really close to one of Sam's mates, Ben who was really nice to me when I told him about my relationship issues. Before you start thinking, we didn't have an affair. But right before the cheating, I went out with my best (boy) friend Jake and we got really drunk. Long story short, he got me pregnant, but I was never sure whether it was Jake's or Sam's. But I was drunk, and Jake's always had a thing for me, and obviously took advantage of my drunkness. Anyway, I legged it back down to the car, and went for a long drive. I went to go and see Ben, and we said that I would go back and see what he said, but that Ben would follow behind in case I needed a getaway. So I went back to the house (with Ben behind, although Ben stayed in the car) but I saw Sam & Megan in the window of my house and Megan was really flirting with him, and he wasn't crying, but laughing. He then looked out the window and saw me and my expression. I began driving out of the driveway, but then Sam jumped into the car with me. I told him to get out, or something bad would happen. He didn't get out, so I drove in silence down to this forest. We went through the forest, and we stopped right before this frozen lake. I then repeated that he get out of the car, but he refused. So I said Fine then and I drove the car into the lake. Right before the car went in, Sam jumped out. I knew then that he didn't love me, and I'm not sure if I was on a suicide mission or not, but I was in a car, in a lake, drowning. The police had followed us, as Megan had reported that I'd threatened Sam. So just as the car went in, the police arrived, and I was still underwater. I took off my rings and let them fall to the bottom. I then swam to a corner, where I saw Ben standing and we quickly ran away. The police then looked through the lake and the car the next day, but it was obvious I'd gotten away. I was still pregnant at the time, but after the divorce, through all the stress I had a miscarriage. I carried on dating, and then married Ben. I can't help feeling bad sometimes, as Sam does seem truly sorry, but I don't know how to stop having occasional feelings for him. There's just little things that remind me of him, and but Ben understands how I must feel. I'm over Sam, and happy with Ben, but I want to just stop being reminded of Sam and my terrible marriage.

Public Comments

1. if u still see Sam have you tried just sitting and talking about EVERYTHING? maybe it's all you need, you have things that have happened but have kept them to yourself, maybe it's time to put all ur cards on the table, judging by wot i've read in you plea, u really have been through a lot, but u've done the worst thing eva, you have bottled it up and re-corked the bottle. I'm sure if Ben is half the man u've painted then he will not only understand but he will support you through it all, at least you will no, once you've sat and talked Ben will be there to help pick you up again. I'm sure you will find once everything is out in the open and u have nothing left up ur sleeve, the feelings ur feeling will go, it's only cuz ur holding memories all on ur own, get them shared get them dealt with, then touch wood you can move on with ur life with Ben, good luck i hope it all works out 4 you.
2. good grief! that's some story lol! its understandable that you still think about your ex, you went thru a lot with him! time is a great healer, and you are still young, so dont fret, be happy and appreciate what you have. your ex treated you badly and doesn't deserve your thoughts. concentrate on the relationship you have now and be happy.